Self-Love: Learning to Love Your Body Despite Your Disease
By Natalie Hayden
Self-love. Self-care. These phrases tend to be thrown around quite often these days. At times they just sound like trendy buzzwords. But, they are important topics nonetheless.
Do you ever pause during your day-to-day routine and think about how you're really doing—physically, psychologically and emotionally? When you live with a chronic illness like Crohn's disease, taking time to honor all that you do to merely function and keep up with the general population is worth recognizing.
It's not easy to be in constant battle with your body. It's a challenge to feel pain often. It's exhausting to always have a worry and a wonder in the back of your mind about how you're going to navigate and overcome the next hurdle or setback thrown your way. This is why self-love is so important.
So, here's my call of action to you. Rather than focus on all we're unable to do or all that we struggle to do, it's time we celebrate and recognize everything we CAN do. We are so much more than patients. We are people. It's easy to wish about a life of perfect health, but despite how my disease has ravaged my small intestine and led to pain elsewhere in my body—whether it's in my joints or from the osteoporosis in my back—I still manage to get up each day and live a very full life, with a perspective I never would have gained without this journey.
Since being diagnosed, this body of mine has still served me well. I managed to work full-time and live out my dream of working in television for the first ten years I had Crohn's. I trained for and ran in 5ks, 10ks, 15ks and a half-marathon. I felt completely healthy and on top of the world on my wedding day (didn't have one bathroom break!). My body was a safe haven for my children throughout pregnancy and allowed me to bring a healthy son and daughter into this world.
It's those "accomplishments" and big "wins" I choose to focus on. It's the moments when I felt like my peers. It's the times Crohn's wasn't top of mind and I felt like everyone else. It's when I felt invincible if only for a moment, whether it was crossing the finish line or holding my babies on my chest for the first time. It's the victories along the way that help me push through on the difficult days and through the flares. Because while those times push me to the brink of breaking, I tell myself there's only one option—and that's to bounce back.
I've been that girl staring in the mirror wondering "why me?" I've been that girl with tears falling onto my thighs as I sat on the toilet hating that I had this dreadful disease. I've stood in the shower and watched the water hit my resection wounds and felt ashamed that my body was no longer scar-free. I've been all those things—but as the years go on and as my diagnosis days get further and further in the rearview mirror, that girl who wondered "why me" is becoming a distant memory. That girl is now a woman, a mother, a wife and so much more. Crohn's is a part of who I am, but it's far from my whole identity.
By altering your outlook and your perspective and loving the person you are and the body you have—despite the physical and emotional scars left behind from past battles—you open yourself up to self-love. Pat yourself on the back for all the steps you've taken to rise up. Smile through the tears with the confidence in knowing you will get through this—one day, sometimes one hour at a time.
It's ok to have bad days. It's ok to struggle. That's all part of it. Just make sure you give some extra care, love and attention to the person you see looking back in the mirror. You've been through a lot. And you're still here. Fighting. Living. Breathing. Now all you have to do is believe in your strength and love yourself for your resilience.
A version of this article originally appeared on Lights Camera Crohn's.